Thursday, June 26, 2008

dreams

they are a funny thing, you know?

its been awhile since i've experienced lucid dreams, but as of the last couple weeks I have been flooded with them. most time i have to "yell" at myself to wake up, or keep "telling" myself, "its only a dream" at the times where the yelling doesn't truly wake me. the dreams aren't frightening, but they are unfair. unfair? yes. unfair for the fact that though things that are happening in the dream are positive but unrealistic. they feel so real, that i don't want to wake from it b/c that person will be gone again. just to hear his voice again, or get a hug, just to have him alive again. my mother says its because he's trying to tell me something; i had similar dreams when my father passed away & after i wished them away i didn't get them again - until now, though the main character has changed. more than not, i wake up crying in disbelief that what i was dreaming was not really true.

sigh... we'll see what happens tonight...

Friday, June 13, 2008

daily motions

everyday i start the day the same way: wake up, lie in bed for another 20 minutes, get ready, deal with LIE traffic, get my special K w/ strawberries, and settle into my desk to plug away. before the official start of my work process, i read a couple blogs to get me going on my way, one of which is whattheduck.net.

as of recently i have added the blog "forpaul.wordpress.com" to my morning ritual. this blog is dedicated to the progress of one of my past Hallmark instructor's recovery and recuperation after an accident last week. everyday when i read the updates, supportive comments, or memories; i say a little prayer for paul and his wife Kat, as well as all those who are supporting him. this blog also gives me the strength to get through my own day, with all that is going on in my day to day life - there is someone out there struggling just to continue with it. it makes me overwhelmed with joy to see the outpouring love and support one person can have aruond them. it is the little acts of kindness such as this that help me know there are greater things in life than the petty everyday motions and bring a much needed smile to my face, sigh of relief, or cry to release the emotions.

paul, my heartfelt prayers are with you everyday hoping for a full recovery!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

More stupidity...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080518/ap_on_fe_st/odd_altered_yearbook

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/05/19/altered.yearbook.photos.wfaa

sigh...

Friday, May 16, 2008

Rainy day thoughts...

I've hit a creative road-block. Not only in my writing, but my photography as well. I'm still passionate for each, but am exhausted. Perhaps because it is what I do for 40 hours a week - in a sense. I write & read about photography and its going ons. Though, most of what I write is technical and not prose, it is still writing and takes the same time, effort, thought and care that I put to my prose.

Though I am not shooting, I am researching and viewing photos all day -- and sad to say, I have yet to find something that reignites that urge to go out and create images for myself. I will go through little spurts after lectures or seminars - but it is never anything long lasting. I know that I haven't lost the passion for the subject, since every day at work is a full day of photographic knowledge waiting to be taken in, but creatively I have lost my mojo.

My creative writing has taken the back burner for at least a couple years now. I think it has largely to do with the loss of my father. My last recollection of writing was an account of the day of his passing. It was for a creative writing class I was taking at school. I remember it, because the professor had asked me what I was doing there. It had been my first creative writing class since high school, and at first he had questioned if the work was really mine, and after he got to know my writing style and from my bringing in past work - he apologized for what he had said.

If you told me to write today... I don't think it would fly. There is one event that occurred recently that I should account for and reenact. I don't believe I would ever publish it on the blogosphere, for the wound goes far too deep. I believe that my fear is what's holding me back. Hell, I just need to let go and jump.

We shall see.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

my brain is burning

definite overload is happening right now. the spinning wheel of death is happening in my head. sigh... time for safe sleep.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Dial Tone

I went to call you the other night, and as I frantically scrolled to your number as I have done countless nights; I realized you wouldn't pick up. Its the first time that I've done that since you passed. I can't bring myself to delete your name from my contact list, and don't believe I ever will. I know I can still turn to you, and talk to you when I need you the most... but I miss hearing your voice. I know you'll always be there for me, but somedays are harder than others.

Friday, April 11, 2008

HELP!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

is it really that serious?

America needs to realize it's not an only child...

Stop alcohol abuse, and just give me your Absolut instead of pouring it down the sink.

Courtesy of Reuters:

Absolut vodka pulls ad showing California in Mexico

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - The distillers of Sweden's Absolut vodka have withdrawn an advertisement run in Mexico that angered many U.S. citizens by idealizing an early 19th century map showing chunks of the United States as Mexican.

The billboard ad has the slogan "In an Absolut World" slapped over a pre-1848 map showing California, Arizona and other U.S. states as Mexican territory. Those states were carved out of what had been Mexican lands until that year.

Although it was not shown in the United States, U.S. media outlets picked up on the ad, and after a barrage of complaints, Absolut's maker said on Sunday the ad campaign would cease.

Defending the campaign last week, Absolut maker Vin & Spirit said the ad was created "with a Mexican sensibility" and was not meant for the U.S. market.

"In no way was this meant to offend or disparage, nor does it advocate an altering of borders, nor does it lend support to any anti-American sentiment, nor does it reflect immigration issues," a spokeswoman wrote on Absolut's Web site.

"Instead, it hearkens to a time which the population of Mexico may feel was more ideal," she wrote.

Absolut's blog cite has received more than a thousand comments since the ad campaign was launched a few weeks ago, with many calling for boycotts of the Swedish company.

"I have poured the remainder of my Absolut bottles down the sink," one blogger wrote.

A war between Mexico and the United States from 1846 to 1848 started with Mexico's refusal to recognize the U.S. annexation of Texas and ended with the occupation of Mexico City by U.S. troops.

At the end, Mexico ceded nearly half of its territory to the United States, forming the states of California, Nevada, Utah and parts of Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico and Wyoming.

Mexicans remain sensitive about the loss and the location of the border. At the same time, the United States is fortifying barriers to keep out undocumented Mexican migrants.

Some Mexicans use the term "Reconquista" (reconquest) to refer to the growing presence in California of Mexican migrants and their descendants.

France's Pernod Ricard is taking over Absolut vodka, one of the world's top-selling spirit brands, after buying Vin & Spirit from the Swedish government at the end of March.

(Reporting by Noel Randewich, editing by Philip Barbara)

Monday, April 07, 2008

sigh...

Chalk it up to stubbornness...

I don't think that I will ever get used to certain things. I'll grow stronger from each situation, and I will never lose heart or the will to carry on. It gets to me, some days harder than others... but with everything it takes time, and in a sense, I guess I could say that time is all that I really have.

This has been a difficult year for me... So much loss and pain... Though, at the same time this year has been so fulfilling. It puzzles me how life always balances out through extremes. At least in my life it appears that way. I'll just take it how it comes to me good, bad, ugly... make the best of it all.

Nothing else to do, but pick myself up, dust off and keep on riding...

I love you, Uncle Peppie... and I miss you like you wouldn't believe.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

"Me And A Gun"

-Tori Amos

5am
Friday morning
Thursday night
Far from sleep
I'm still up and driving
Can't go home
obviously
So I'll just change direction
Cause they'll soon konw where I live
And I wanna live

Got a full tank and some chips
It was me and a gun
And a man on my back
And I sang "holy holy" as he buttoned down his pants
You can laugh
It's kind of funny things you think
at times like these
Like I haven't seen Barbados
So I must get out of this

Yes I wore a slinky red thing
Does that mean I should spread
For you, your friends your father, Mr. Ed

Me and a gun
and a man
On my back
But I haven't seen Barbados
So I must get out of this
Yes I wore a slinky red thing
Does that mean I should spread
For you, your friends your father, Mr. Ed
And I know what this means
Me and Jesus a few years back
Used to hang and he said
"It's your choice babe just remember
I don't think you'll be back in 3 days time
So you choose well"
Tell me what's right
Is it my right to be on my stomach
of Fred's Seville

Me and a gun
and a man
On my back
But I haven't seen Barbados
So I must get out of this

And do you know Carolina
Where the biscuits are soft and sweet
These things go through you head
When there's a man on your back
And you're pushed flat on your stomach
It's not a classic cadillac

Me and a gun
and a man
On my back
But I haven't seen Barbados
So I must get out of this

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

quarterly review

just revisiting my resolutions for this year to see how i'm doing...

-spend less... SAVE SAVE SAVE

-pay off debts

-drink less

-work less, relax more

-go out and shoot every wknd for myself

lets see...

I am spending less, but not saving... debts are slowly being repaid, but with my Hallmark loans now in repayment, I'm still floating but partially it is a dead man's float.

Drink less - yes! - this is one thing that I'm proud of myself for. I will have a night cap now and then, but I have significantly cut down. Woo-hoo!

Work less, relax more?! HA! What was I thinking??

And shame on me for the last one... I have not been shooting for myself... slap me on the wrist... I'm upset at myself for this one.

Overall, I think I would give myself a C at best...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

quack!

if i had a quarter for everytime i heard this...


Thursday, March 13, 2008

Spitzer scadal taps into the photography world as well...

Discussion regarding copyright and ownership rights arise as newspapers grab pictures off "Kristen's" myspace.

In an article published today by Daryl Lang from pdnonline.com:

"When a prostitute hired by former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was identified Wednesday, news outlets eagerly published photos grabbed from her MySpace profile.

Can they get away with that?

Three attorneys who specialize in copyright law say media organizations are sailing in dangerous waters if they publish a personal snapshot without permission."

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Maybe i shouldn't get it...

We all know how easily I lose stuff...

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Song for Dad

-Keith Urban (http://youtube.com/watch?v=2rVlH0MQgFk)

Lately I've been noticing
I say the same things he used to say
And I even find myself acting the very same way
I tap my fingers on the table
To the rhythm in my soul
And I jingle the car keys
When I'm ready to go
When I look in the mirror
He's right there in my eyes
Starin' back at me and I realize

The older I get
The more I can see
How much he loved my mother and my brother and me
And he did the best that he could
And I only hope when I have my own family
That everyday I see
A little more of my father in me

There were times I thought he was bein'
Just a little bit hard on me
But now I understand he was makin' me
Become the man he knew that I could be
In everything he ever did
He always did with love
And I'm proud today to say I'm his son
When somebody says I hope I get to meet your dad
I just smile and say you already have

The older I get
The more I can see
How much he loved my mother and my brother and me
And he did the best that he could
And I only hope when I have my own family
That everyday I see
A little more of my father in me

He's in my eyes
My heart, my soul
My hands, my pride
And when I feel alone

And I think I can't go on
I hear him sayin' "Son you'll be alright"
Everything's gonna be alright"
Yes it is

The older I get
The more I can see
That he loved my mother and my brother and me
And he did the best that he could
And I only hope when I have my own family
That everyday I see
Oh I hope I see
I hope everyday I see
A little more of my father in me

A little more of my father in me
I hope everyday I see in me
In me
In me
I hope everyday I see

A little more of my father in me

Friday, February 15, 2008

i love my profession... :-)

Thursday, February 14, 2008

bandwagon

I'm gonna get me a pet lemming... who's with me!

Troubles in the Homeland

Arroyo Target of Plot

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Congrats Snoopy, Lucky I, Freddie, and especially UNO!

"Start dancin', Snoopy. You're out of the Westminster doghouse."

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

... comfortably ... comfortable??

Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear youre feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.


Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.

I have become comfortably numb.

Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
Therell be no more --aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?
I do believe its working. good.
Thatll keep you going for the show.
Come on its time to go.

There is no pain,
you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye
.

I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

--Pink Floyd

Thursday, February 07, 2008

How quickly...

life passes in this world.

As the days go by, I've been fighting an inner battle with trying to comprehend loss, death and why it affects the people that it does. For myself, it is sad, but for as long as I can remember not a year in my life has passed where I haven't been to at least one funeral a year and as the years go on that number only increases. It makes me wonder if it is something to do with the number of people that are in my life, their backgrounds, or simply the luck (or bad luck) of the draw.

When people tell me they have never been to a funeral, or never had a death of a loved one, I am unsure of how to react. Are they lucky to have never known the pain of loss, or are they unfortunate?

I understand first hand the loss of a parent, but the loss of your own child I cannot even begin to fathom. I do not wish either on anyone.

It is a "process" that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. But the uncertainty, the wondering, and the dreaming of what would have been will plague me for years to come. The things, people and places, yet to be visited, met or done will never be accomplished on this realm.

February has always brought this cycle forth into my life... how fitting that I find out on Ash Wed., and the eve of Chinese New Year.

My thoughts, prayers and love go out to your family, Vytai. Have a shot or two w/ my dad up there.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

it's a start...

For the first time in 7 years, I am not numb in the month of February. I am light hearted and have a feeling this month will bring new beginnings and keep me on the right track.

This past year has been very trying emotionally and mentally... not that the past 7 years has been a breeze, but I believe that this year was the first I faced life again with open eyes and heart. I took huge chances, and prevailed through them all.

I am definitely at a crossroads, and as I get glimpses of what is to come, my heart is at ease.

The 27th will be 4 years since my father passed - the hurt and the sorrow are still there. I still have my days, and will always have them. When he first passed, I realized, all those people that say it will get better with time are wrong. Rose Fitgerald Kennedy got it right when she said "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, (protecting its sanity), covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But, it is never gone."

With all the loss and suffering that has occured in my life these past seven years, it's a wonder how I kept my sanity... then again, that may be up to debate ... but for the first time, in a long time, I feel alive and am "back to myself."

Letting go is so refreshing.

Friday, January 25, 2008

To Whom This May Concern:

Why are Professional Photographers so expensive?

In this digital age where everyone has digital cameras, scanners and home "photo printers", when people upload their photos to a local drug store website and pick them up a few hours later, we hear this all the time - How in the world do Professional Photographers charge $55 for an 8x10 when they cost just $1.50 at the drug store?

Here's why.Simply put, you're not just paying for the actual photograph, you're paying for time and expertise. First, let's look at the actual time involved. If you don't read this entire page, at least read this first part.

For a two hour portrait session:
- one hour of travel to and from the session
- two hours of shooting
- 30 minutes of setup, preparation, talking to the client etc.
- 30 minutes to load the photos onto a computer (2 - 4 Gb of data)
- 30 minutes to back up the files on an external drive
- 3 - 4 hours of Photoshop time including cropping, contrast, color, sharpening, saving a copy for print and a copy for the internet and backing up the edited photographs
- 2 - 3 hours to talk to the client, answer questions, receive their order and payment, order their prints, receive and verify prints, package prints, schedule shipment and drop package off at Fed Ex.
- For local customers, we also print a set of all of their photos, and meet them at our studio to review the photos and place their order. Meeting and travel time averages 2 hours.

You can see how one two hour session easily turns into more than ten hours of work from start to finish. So when you see a Photographer charging a $200 session fee for a two hour photo shoot, you are not paying them $100 / hour.

For an eight hour wedding:
- I won't bore you with the details, but an eight hour wedding typically amounts to at least two to three full 40 hour work weeks worth of time. Again, if they are charging you $4,000 for an eight hour wedding, you are not paying them $500 / hour.

Now for the expertise.

Shooting professional photography is a skill, acquired through years of experience. Even though a quality camera now costs under $2,000 taking professional portraits involves much more than a nice camera.

Most Professional Photographers take years to go from buying their first decent camera to making money with their photography. In addition to learning how to use the camera itself, there is a mountain of other equipment involved, as well as numerous software programs used to edit and print photographs, run a website etc.And let's not forget that you actually have to have people skills, be able to communicate, make people comfortable in front of the camera - and posing people to make them look their best in a photograph is a skill all by itself.

Think of it this way - the next time you pay $X to get your hair done, a pair of scissors only costs $1.50. But you gladly pay a lot more to hire a Professional.

What about the cheap studios at the mall?

Please don't compare us to the chain store studios. But if you must, consider all of the time and work that we put into our photographs, compared to what they do. Good luck getting a two hour photo shoot at a chain store. Not to mention they won't come to the beach! And of course, look at our work compared to theirs. You get what you pay for.The truth is, most of the mall and chain store studios lose money. In fact, in 2007 Wal-Mart closed 500 of their portrait studios because of the financial drain they were putting on the company. What the chain stores bet on is that you'll come in for some quick and cheap photos, and while you're there, you'll also spend $200 on other things. They don't have to make money, they are just there to get you in the door.

Conclusion

We hope that those who have taken the time to read this page will have a better understanding of why professional photographs cost so much more than the ones that you get from your local drug store.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

copied here from : http://www.caughtonfilmphoto.com/costofphotography.html

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Can't sleep.... Clowns will eat me!

"We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."

ditto.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

My Life is that of a Duck...

I don't know why, but this Duck & I seem to live a parallel life...

Happy New Year to you all! I had the pleasure of spending New Year's passed out on Nyquil fighting off a cold in the comforts in my bed in CT. It's always good to be home when you're sick... something about being home with mom and her chicken soup always makes it a little more bareable.

So... I did think of some resolutions in my medicine head cloud:

-spend less... SAVE SAVE SAVE
-pay off debts
-drink less
-work less, relax more
-go out and shoot every wknd for myself

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

oh, i'm just ducky...


that'll be me in a few years...
well... it's a cloudy day out here on the island, and i feel cloudy as well... my power steering belt is either loose, or slipped... so, yay for no power steering! and double yay for more money being poured into repairs! (now that i don't have a car payment, the repairs are taking that money i would be saving... joys)
everything else is going swimmingly.
can't wait to go home to CT this saturday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's no place like home... there's no place like home... there's no place like home...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

What really goes on at the North Pole...

A play on one of my favorites: Full Metal Jacket... with a X-mas twist.

Parental discretion advised... If you've seen FMJ, you know Gunnery Sgt. Hartman has a mouth on him ;-)






HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Monday, December 17, 2007

All I want for Christmas...

is Dropkick to finalize their St. Patty's day dates :-( ...

e-mail says that they will announce soon. last year i already had my tickets.

hopefully Santa will deliver me a pre-sale date!

love the duck

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

viscious circle

just when things are going good again, something has to happen...

my driver side window has decided to stop working. i rolled it down yesterday evening, and poof! that was it.

sigh...

bringing it into the dealer today, where without a doubt they will probably charge me my life savings.

joy of joys...

Monday, December 03, 2007

Someone's got a case of the Mondays...

Thursday, November 29, 2007

lemmings, sheep, mob mentality, and so on...

why is it so hard for people to think for themselves? to stand up and go against the crowd?

"Most people would rather be sheep and have company than stand out on their own with antlers on." -Tori Amos

give me my antlers please so i can head butt these ppl off a cliff.

thanks ;-)